Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Randomize
