Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize