I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
