I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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