just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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