Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
