So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize