We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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