Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
