In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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