mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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