Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize