Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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