I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize