the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
