I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm sobbing to NWA
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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