dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
there's paper in my vomit.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
