When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
