im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
