so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
