I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
