I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
