im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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