I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
