I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
They took my balls.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
