I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
