Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
