thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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