So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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