Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
