The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
