So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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