I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
