So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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