I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
