so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
