I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
