I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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