i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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