In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize