I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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