Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
