I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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