My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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