Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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