things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
