She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
