I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Quick, to the slutcave!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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