The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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