so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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