He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
