I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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