I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
