I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
