You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
