The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize